stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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