The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
