I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
