my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
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i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
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Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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