mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
