why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
