You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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