I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I want her autograph on my taint
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
