im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
