So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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