Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
