If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
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i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
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Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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