Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
