Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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