He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
