Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
