she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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