Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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