Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
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So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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