I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
