I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
