Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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