How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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