I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
false alarm, still single
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
