I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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