I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
