It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
