I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
