Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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