and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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