please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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