I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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