I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
