So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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