I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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