We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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