So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
