So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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