I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
