Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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