Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
