community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
