i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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