so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He? As in you personified your dick?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
