So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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