I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
