I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
