Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
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The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
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that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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