I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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