the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
