You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
