You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Drake has all the answers
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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