I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
