I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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