i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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